All I Wanted To Say
by luvicoffee
Summary: Shizuo hasn't said those three words to Izaya that Izaya is waiting on, but for Shizuo it's harder than he thinks. Rated M for language thanks to Shizuo. Shizaya fluff after sadness.
1. Chapter 1

**First Shizaya fanfic I bothered to write as a present then put it up on here xD Please enjoy~**

**Rated M for language purposes thanks to Shizuo.**

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**All I Wanted To Say**

No matter what I try to do, he's always there; In my head. It's hard to tell myself that I... care for him. I do, but he's just so.. _annoying._ Seeing him laugh with that twisted grin set on such a face, and to know I am not the one who causes his messed up version of happiness... It kills me inside.

However, whenever I say that I'll kill him, I'm always caught up in the moment of irateness. I _want _to be the one that makes him happy. Even if it just the mere act of chasing his helpless ass around, it helps, but that will never be enough. I mean, we haven't always done that. We've kissed, we've fucked, we've done everything.

Except say 'I love you'.

I can't imagine for the life of me, the way he thinks of me just based on the way he acts, he's just.. I just...

It's disgusting.

His soft lips, his most-of-the-time hard eyes... And his skin. It tasted like some sort of sweet honey. But it wasn't sweet, no.. more musky. And I hate to admit it, but it was the cuddly kind. It had completely drawn me into him.

And I loved every second of it.

I had reason though, I hated it because it was with him.

But I loved it because it _was_ him.

* * *

I rolled over the cigarette with my shoe and crushed it. He never liked it when I smoked by him, he was too scared of me getting lung cancer. _Like that's gonna happen you dummy..._ Although once he did admit that he liked the faint smell that it left on my clothes, claiming it was '_sexy'._

Sighing, I leaned against the wall of the alleyway, waiting for Izaya. I don't like meeting him in public, even if it was a small one that gangs wouldn't usually come into for some form of sick entertainment. But I wasn't meeting him here for sex like we usually do when we call each other up. _He'd think too lowly of me anyway if it was just simply in an alleyway like this,_ I chuckled to myself lowly. _I wouldn't order him here for that today..._

A shadow loomed over the light that had sunk into the alley, a shadow with fur licking the end of it's coat. He didn't know why he was here exactly, but I did mention that it wasn't for the usual type of fling. At least Tom gave me a break today so I could see him... Well, he didn't necessarily know that, and I wasn't planning on telling him either.

I was looking down at the dirty concrete when I saw the dark shoes appear in front of me. Sighing once more, I looked up at him evidently seeing a frown displayed across his face.

_His face.._

"You should be glad that I got out of work just to see you and your needs," he spoke bitterly.

"I told you already, flea." I glanced into his crimson brown eyes, "It's not for any vulgar needs. If anything, I don't _want_ to have to say this."

_But I do.._

His eyes softened quickly, adding on a hint of false hope and something like surprise, "Does it-.. Are you-... No y-you can't.."

"You idiot, I'd never do that!" He took it wrong... Dammit _I'm_ the idiot for even asking him to come here.

He looked down, sadness clearly shown against his now paler face. "Do you mean that..? Truly, Shizuo?" He used my real name, causing the mass of butterflies to flutter endlessly in my stomach.

I swallowed, "Of course I couldn't just.. just drop you out of my life like that..." I shifted from my leaning against the wall posture to stand in front of him fully. He was small (to me), and honestly, it was cute. Most likely my favorite trait of him, besides the completely messed up personality and adorable face. And well, the fact that he _was_ mine. And I could do anything I wanted with him, which ends up leading to the words that are locked up behind my lips.

And these words dared to leak out, and to stop myself from saying it, I kissed him. I kissed him longingly, passionately, forcibly, gently, romantically, determinedly, roughly, lovingly,... It didn't matter how, I just did. To hide those words that could very well end this relationship if not strengthen it.

He had kissed back, as expected like he usually would, and I added the depth.

Just like the way these scenes always play out.

This was different; I had something to say, and my conscious was ready to get it out. I didn't want to risk the end of us, but I knew just as well that it could just be the beginning of a more 'connected' one. And that's what I wanted, right?

_Right?_

I pulled away at the sudden feeling of his tongue brush against my lip. I didn't want to go here, like it always had. My heart started to pound as my lips parted to speak.

"Look I love you and everything but I did tell you that I didn't summon you here for that." What the fuck did I just say? Did I just say those words..?

Izaya was about to protest then he cut himself off, "Wait... what did you just say?" He stared directly into my eyes seriously yet adorably curious.

I tried to swallowing my words but it just was not working, "I said.." What the hell am I saying? Stop it..!

"I love you."

Dammit.

The curiosity just turned to flat out seriousness. His voice was tight as he spoke, "If this is a joke, then you are a fucking asshole." At that statement, I felt a strong enough urge to just grab my chest in hope of stopping the pain in it that suddenly rose higher and higher. A large lump formed right in the middle of my throat at the realization of his harsh words. I felt tears stab at my eyes.

_Dammit..._

In a choked voice I managed to spit out, "How could you just say that? ..After what I said..." Gulping down air, I tried to make the burning feeling subside. I continued on, "After answering the question _you_ asked _me_."

"Oh, so now the monster pins it on _me_, the one who is clearly confused and has no idea what to think?"

I scratched at my eyes, wanting the tears to be gone and done with already. It probably looked pathetic to him. In fact, his words really did tug at my heart, it _hurt._

"B-but you asked me first!"

"Yes, but you _HATE ME._"

My fists clenched and I ground my teeth together, "Why can't you see this? I just confessed something I've been meaning to say for a long time, and you try so hard to contradict it all by saying something so meaningless now, it doesn't even make any fucking _sense._"

He looked down obviously hurt by the outburst, "Don't swear at me.."

"How can I not when you can't see that I love you and not even say it back?" I felt my jaw loosen as well as my facial composure.

"Swearing doesn't show love you _beast_!"

"..We're going in circles, Izaya."

The dark haired man was silent. He seemed silent for hours until he spoke again. "You used my real name..."

I blinked, "Of course I did. What do you mean?"

Shadows from his hair covered his eyes, "You always call me names... A-And I don't know what to think anymore... If I still love you back or not."

..Yep, we're ruined.

As I started to walk away, I tried my absolute hardest not to lose all my pride by crying out. It hurt, it really did. But if he could keep as much pride as he had by now, then I'm sure I can. What actually had stopped me from continuing down the alley was the soft sounds coming from behind me. Soft enough to make me believe that they were trying to make themselves unheard, silent and gentle.

I stopped walking and stood there for a few moments, and as I stopped the little chokes halted with it. I could tell that Izaya was trying with all his might not to be heard, but of course, I knew better. He was still crying.

Turning around and walking back to him, I embraced his little body, squeezing tight, but not enough to suffocate him. He tried pushing away, but I held on tighter,

"I won't let you go..."

And with that, his sobs grew louder as he pressed his face into my chest muttered something along the lines of '_don't ever leave me alone...'_


	2. Chapter 2

**Epilogue**

After the period where he just sobbed endlessly into my vest, he decided to tell me, hesitantly, that he loved me back and that he accepted me. Even though he added that I was still a monster to him and that's one thing that won't ever change in his mind, even if he did love me.

It seemed cliché, this scene I mean. Like it was too fake to be real, but it was. The pain in my chest still ached and longed for something, yet I was still unsure of what that something was. It had even stayed, hidden somewhere as we both walked back to my apartment.

"But why Shizu-chan? You're apartment is too small.." He pouted, puffing out his cheeks with his eyes still red, initially giving him the image of being 'cute'.

"Too bad, it's closer than yours."

He had pouted and whined the _whole_ _way there._

As we stepped through the door, sunset rays shown through the window and poured across the floor. I headed upstairs and he had no choice but to follow. I sat on the bed and took off all my essentials of the bartender outfit except for the pants and dress shirt. Izaya did the same with his jacket.

Laying down inside the covers of my bed, I pulled the louse down with me. He snuggled into my chest and breathed in heavily. Was he smelling me?

"I'm surrounded by Shizu-chan's smell~"

Yep.

"What is that implying?"

"That I like it and I want to be wrapped in it forever~"

I rolled my eyes and ran my fingers through his soft, thin black hair. We stayed like that when eventually I felt his breath start to slow and get heavier. In looking down, I found his eyes closed, fully and peacefully; asleep. I sighed in content, and kissed the top of his head, muttering something sweet. As I moved from caressing his hair to circling his milky white cheek with my thumb, I myself fell asleep beside him.

When I woke up, with his body still asleep and embracing me, the aching for that one thing, whatever it had been, finally left me.

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**(/owo)/ REVIEW FOR THE BEAUTIFUL-NESS?**


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